My miscarriage.

I couldn’t even imagine how it feels – now I know exactly how.

 

We spent the afternoon making plans to tell his work, letting ourselves believe it was real.

 

I got home, went to the toilet and saw blood, not a small amount but not a large amount either but I knew. I knew instantly. I called MM and told him. I didn’t know what to do or who to call.

 

I phoned one place and was told to go to A&E. I was crying. Pops was napping. We woke her up and headed out. We couldn’t find the house keys. I could feel pain. I could feel more blood. I knew what was happening. I knew what had happened.

 

We started to drive to the hospital, house unlocked. Stressed. In tears.

When we arrived I went in alone while MM found parking. I had to explain why I was there. It was hard. Hard to say what was happening because then it makes it more real.

 

An hour wait and we got seen by someone. She took some notes, my temperature and blood pressure. She didn’t seem concerned.

 

Maybe I’m fine? Maybe the baby is fine? Maybe I’m over reacting?

 

Another hour wait and I’m called for a blood test.

 

This was the worse part.

 

Right arm – Nothing.

Left arm – Nothing.

Right arm again – Nothing.

Left hand – Nothing.

 

Then another doctor tried – nothing.

 

This went on a while. I felt like I deserved it. I was being punished for not looking after this baby.

 

I heard the nurse talking with the EPAU (early pregnancy assessment unit) they wouldn’t accept me without bloods.

 

Sit with a blanket over your arms for 15 minutes. You’re cold and that’s making it harder – they said.

 

A different nurse tried – nothing.

 

Then they told me they wanted to try in the groin.

 

After what felt like hours of absolute agony, physically and emotionally it ended and they had still failed to get blood.

 

I hated myself.  I hated my body. I felt alone. So alone.

 

The EPAU agreed to see me upstairs and try for bloods up there.

 

By then I could barely walk.

 

The EPAU doctor tried – nothing.

 

She removed the needle and blood started coming out.

 

She scooped it up and used that. There was no other option at that point.

 

MM and Pops left the room while I was examined.

 

It hurt to move my leg.

 

She told me my womb was still closed – if it was open it was a definite miscarriage.

 

Closed meant they don’t know.

 

I got dressed and MM and Pops came back in.

 

My scan would be on Thursday morning. Todays Saturday.

 

I wouldn’t know for 5 days.  Five days. I went through all of that, all those past 5 hours and I still don’t know.

 

The doctor said the only thing the scan would show is if its happened, it wouldn’t change anything.

 

I wanted to know something. Anything.

 

We left and headed home.

 

I felt something. It felt like blood.

 

When we got home I went to the toilet and felt it. I felt a clot. A baby.

 

Over the next day I felt that a few more times.

 

I was In pain. Cold. Sad. Lonely. Angry. Guilty. Empty.

 

Monday morning. We managed to get a cancelation for a scan on Tuesday.

 

We went to the scan.

 

I was asked if I knew what to expect.  I was taken to a different waiting room.

 

Slightly more comfy chairs – The ‘sorry for your loss’ room. (what I called it)

 

I didn’t want Pops in for the scan so went in alone. Always alone.

 

They asked me if I was sure about my dates. They cant find anything.

 

Internal exam. Still nothing.

 

ANOTHER BLOOD TEST – nothing.

 

Now to wait.

 

Wait for the bleeding to stop

 

Wait to take another pregnancy test.

 

Wait to recover physically and hope to recover emotionally.

 

 

*I’m sharing this a year on from my experience. This doesn’t relate to our current pregnancy.

9 Comments

  1. gemma
    March 18, 2018 / 4:18 pm

    Awwww Ayse this broke my heart to read……. I’m sorry that you had to go through it….. I wish there was something I could do…… You are in my heart x

  2. March 19, 2018 / 11:35 pm

    Oh, big hugs to you lovely. It is the worst feeling, The anniversaries are always su hard but well done on being brave enough to write about it and help raise awareness xx

    • March 20, 2018 / 8:16 pm

      Thank you! It really helped to not feel as alone when going through it so hopefully now I’m ready to share I can do that for someone else x

  3. March 20, 2018 / 7:44 pm

    this made me so sad. I am sorry for your loss. as it is you go through that panic through any pregnancy and have it happen. hugs to you.

    • March 20, 2018 / 8:16 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind words x

  4. March 23, 2018 / 5:05 pm

    This is really sad and I really feel for you, you’re very brave to share your story and I’m sure it will help others going through a similar time. *LOVE*

  5. April 3, 2018 / 7:58 am

    Wow, having to wait from Saturday until Thursday for a scan? That’s ridiculous. i had to go to hospital with my miscarriage because I had lost so much blood I was passing out and I found the people in A&E and the gynae doctor that visited me weren’t very bothered. I went in about 10pm and got a scan to see what was left when the early pregnancy unit opened the next morning. They nurses and sonographer down there were lovely, but on the ward the communication was crap. It does feel like some staff become desensitised and forget how much a miscarriage effects people.

    • April 3, 2018 / 7:12 pm

      That’s horrible, so sorry you had to go through that. It’s so hard to explain to people how hard it all feels when they haven’t been through it but you would assume that nurses and doctors would have had some sort of training on how to approach it. Nothing will make us feel better but some support can mean the world!x

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *